3rd Culture Kid

I had my first session with a Christian counselor yesterday. I wanted to do some counseling to just begin learning more about myself and figure out why I act and feel certain things.  I’ve had multiple pastors in the past few months tell me that counseling is a wonderful time of self discovery and healing that every minister should go through in their 20s.  Honestly, after my first session I’m pretty convinced that everyone should probably go through some counseling in their lifetime.

Anyways, one of the things I really want to figure out about myself is why I feel so lonely when I’m alone. I mean I literally dread being alone sometimes. I could be having the most wonderful day and going home to an empty house can just bring me a certain sense of dread.  I mean I definitely have learned to cope with it (watching TV or just not coming home till late)… but I really hope this time in counseling can really help me get to the root of what I’m feeling in those moment.

After sharing parts of my life story, my counselor told me that there were two elements of my story that stuck out as potential contributing factors for that loneliness.  The first one, which I’ve thought about before, is just certain instances of trauma with my parents and past relationships that I don’t really want to talk about here.  The second one was something I’ve never thought about though.  She said that another contributing factor could be the fact that I’m bi-racial (Korean/Chinese).  Bi-racial, tri-cultural (throw American into the mix) in fact.

Surprised?  Yeah… it struck me too.  She then told me about some research that had been done on “3rd Culture Kids” or “someone who [as a child] has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture” (wikipedia).  In other words, these are kids that grow up in multiple cultural settings and therefore form a new “3rd Culture” or a hybrid of the cultures he/she grew up in.  3rd Culture Kids include missionary children, military family children, and in my case bi-racial children. 

So what does this have to do with my loneliness?  Well 3rd culture kids grow up not really belonging to any particular group.  I have distinct memories (and this still happens to me) where all the Koreans would think I’m Chinese, and all the Chinese folks would think I’m Korean.  Not to mention that I’m also cultural American, but I don’t quite fit into that larger cultural group either.  In other words, I don’t really belong anywhere.  I’m completely unique.  I have my own 3rd culture.  Interestingly enough, according to my counselor, even if I found another half Korean, half Chinese guy my age, I still would have a different mix of cultural elements than him, and therefore would still be culturally unique.  So yes… I’m all alone… a one of a kind Chi-nean person. I’m more or less okay with this reality now… in fact the thought of having a completely unique culture is kind of neat, but one might wonder what growing up not belonging to any particular cultural group might do to one’s psyche.

On the other hand, since they’ve been doing it all their lives, 3rd culture kids are known to be able to adapt and go between cultures very well. In other words they’re socialized to be cross-cultural agents of reconciliation. I recently read a new book by Pastor Dave Gibbons called The Monkey and the Fish.  In it he basically uses this concept of 3rd Culture Kid and calls all Christian leaders to be “3rd Culture Christians.” In other words, Christians who can experience and navigate between different cultures like “water” as oppose to trying to impose one’s cultural view of God onto another. So I guess even though being bi-racial might have messed me a up a little when I was young, I’m more predisposed to live out this call to be a 3rd Culture Christian :o). (Which is definitely something that I have a vision for and that is on my heart.)

Anyways, I look forward to exploring this more in counseling.